It started in pregnancy. Knowing that I created a life, that there was a life force inside my body that was a mixture of Mike and me was incredible. Pregnancy changed the way I viewed myself. I am a creator, I bring life into the world, I am a mother goddess hear me roar!
In the moments after giving birth to Lan, when the Dr.s were finished their assessment and he was placed in my arms to suckle my breast I felt a love and connection I never knew existed. Just like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes that day. It is a love that only a mother can feel for her child and it is life altering.
I didn’t think my love and attachment to Lan could grow to anything more than I already felt. But it did, and it does, and it is always growing.
When Lan was six months old we had some scary news. His growth had slowed so much that we needed to take him to a pediatrician. Test, after test, after test were run and it was discovered that his neutrophil count barley registered. Neutrophils are the part of the white blood cell that fight diseases and the fact that he didn’t have any meant he was in danger. We had to become very careful about keeping him out of harms way. When guests came over we had to ask them to wash their hands, we were very carful when out and about that Lan didn’t touch things or put things in his mouth, and at any sign of a fever we had to take him to Emergency to get shots of antibiotics. We finally got in to see a hematology specialist in Vancouver and it was decided Lan needed a bone marrow biopsy. They drugged Lan into this state of mind where he is still awake but completely stoned. His eyes glassed over and he whimpered for his mommy. The room was full of Dr.s, nurses, and an anesthesiologist and Mike and I were asked to leave for the procedure. I walked out into the hallway and completely broke down. It was a life altering moment for me. My baby was sick and I could do nothing. I was powerless and could only hope that everything would be OK.
Luckily, everything came out alright in the end. Lan’s bone marrow was indeed making neutrophils but the white cells were destroying them after the bone marrow released them. He was diagnosed with chronic benign neutrophilia which is a child hood disease he would grow out of. Much to our relief, about a year later his blood screened normal again.
When we found out we were pregnant with Kayden I thought things that I think many mothers feel but few articulate. Is there room in my heart for another child? Can I give enough love to two children? But all the worry was for naught, as the night he was born my heart grew another three sizes.
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world when it is done right. The time I once had to myself is all but gone. My focus is on my children and it can become exhausting! But motherhood has been the most rewarding experience in my life so far. The feeling of unconditional love and the love I receive from my boys in return is transformative. As my boys grow older, my heart continues to grow. The love I feel for my children also makes me love myself more. I accept myself for who I am, I don’t care as much about what I look like or how I am being perceived, I am more honest with myself and with the world, I seek authenticity in relationships and connection in community, and my curiosity has been rekindled. Motherhood has changed me.
How has motherhood changed you, I’d love to hear your comments!