My Motherhood Metamorphosis

It started in pregnancy.  Knowing that I created a life, that there was a life force inside my body that was a mixture of Mike and me was incredible.  Pregnancy changed the way I viewed myself.  I am a creator, I bring life into the world, I am a mother goddess hear me roar!

In the moments after giving birth to Lan, when the Dr.s were finished their assessment and he was placed in my arms to suckle my breast I felt a love and connection I never knew existed.  Just like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes that day.  It is a love that only a mother can feel for her child and it is life altering.

Baby Lan

I didn’t think my love and attachment to Lan could grow to anything more than I already felt.  But it did, and it does, and it is always growing.

When Lan was six months old we had some scary news.  His growth had slowed so much that we needed to take him to a pediatrician.  Test, after test, after test were run and it was discovered that his neutrophil count barley registered.  Neutrophils are the part of the white blood cell that fight diseases and the fact that he didn’t have any meant he was in danger.  We had to become very careful about keeping him out of harms way.  When guests came over we had to ask them to wash their hands, we were very carful when out and about that Lan didn’t touch things or put things in his mouth, and at any sign of a fever we had to take him to Emergency to get shots of antibiotics.  We finally got in to see a hematology specialist in Vancouver and it was decided Lan needed a bone marrow biopsy.  They drugged Lan into this state of mind where he is still awake but completely stoned.  His eyes glassed over and he whimpered for his mommy.  The room was full of Dr.s, nurses, and an anesthesiologist and Mike and I were asked to leave for the procedure.  I walked out into the hallway and completely broke down.  It was a life altering moment for me.  My baby was sick and I could do nothing.  I was powerless and could only hope that everything would be OK.

Luckily, everything came out alright in the end.  Lan’s bone marrow was indeed making neutrophils but the white cells were destroying them after the bone marrow released them.  He was diagnosed with chronic benign neutrophilia which is a child hood disease he would grow out of.  Much to our relief, about a year later his blood screened normal again.

When we found out we were pregnant with Kayden I thought things that I think many mothers feel but few articulate.  Is there room in my heart for another child?  Can I give enough love to two children?  But all the worry was for naught, as the night he was born my heart grew another three sizes.

Baby Kayden

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world when it is done right.  The time I once had to myself is all but gone.  My focus is on my children and it can become exhausting!  But motherhood has been the most rewarding experience in my life so far.  The feeling of unconditional love and the love I receive from my boys in return is transformative. As my boys grow older, my heart continues to grow.  The love I feel for my children also makes me love myself more.  I accept myself  for who I am, I don’t care as much about what I look like or how I am being perceived, I am more honest with myself and with the world, I seek authenticity in relationships and connection in community, and my curiosity has been rekindled.  Motherhood has changed me.

How has motherhood changed you, I’d love to hear your comments!

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  1. Nadine Hudson says:

    Dear Mother!
    Guess what, since we are not in China anymore, I can access your blog and even leave messages again. Hurray!
    I recently heard in a movie, when a new mother was asked by a possible future mother, how it was to be a mother: “It’s like having a tattoo on your face; a life-time commitment.”
    I thought that was a great way to put it (at least for those amongst us who like tattoos like myself). Like you, I grow, I love more, I have become a lot more easy going in one way (I think that’s because my mind is filled with so many other things now) and so much more worried in other ways. But it’s all so worth it and having children surely gives me something that nothing else could.
    About the unschooling I wanted to add, that I had all the same thoughts until we tried it out ourselves and we actually came back to school schedules, fix hours etc. I think unschooling just doesn’t work for everybody and every child. Some children, so I read a bit sceptically, seem to have learnt five languages by their own initiative by the age of six… well, ours certainly would have never… actually, I think if I let them, ours would play lego, playmobil, running around, messing about and if we let them computer games all day long. So we had to add some maths and language etc. to their schedule…
    We are still “stuck” in Philadelphia, in our wonderful camper, waiting to head south.
    All the best, I assume you will leave soon. Good luck.
    Nadine, a mother. PS. I love your photos above.

    1. worldschooladventures says:

      Nadine, I am always so glad to get your comments! I like the tattoo on your face analogy. So true!
      I’m no expert on unschooling but from what I have read, if you don’t start unschooling from the beginning and your children attend regular schools then there needs to be a transition called deschooling. This is a time when the children do all the things you mentioned and when they get school out of their systems they start to look at the world with curiosity again. Another aspect of unschooling is seeing the learning in everything. Don’t underestimate the learning that can happen from lego and video games, not to mention all the things your boys learn from travel. I would say you still do unschooling to some extent as your family learns together by traveling the world! What an amazing gift to give yourselves! And if you feel the need to supplement their education with a curriculum then I say all the power to you!

  2. Emiel says:

    Beautiful story! And what a way to start your blog about traveling the world with your children. I am so happy that Lan and Kayden grew up to become your new travel partners!
    Thanks for sharing this personal story and I can so feel your pain when you are powerless while your child needs you the most…stay safe!

    1. worldschooladventures says:

      Thanks Emiel, it really is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced….that heart-wrenching pain of helplessness.

  3. Marilia says:

    So true when you say that ¨Being a mother is the hardest job in the world when it is done right¨, to do it right we must keep learning and changing old habits. digging into children´s education, science and everything we can put our hands and minds on.

    Nice to see a mom´s out there stretching from common to give the best to her children, and living life more passionately this way 🙂

    1. worldschooladventures says:

      Thank you Marilia! I don’t claim to be perfect and some days are a real struggle but I do try to be the best mother I can be. I question societies view of “normal” and am trying to raise my family the best way I know how. From reading your blog I see that we are a lot alike.

  4. Christine says:

    Wish I had a friend like you when I was raising my family. You are an inspiration to all mothers out there.

    1. worldschooladventures says:

      Thank you Christine, I’m just doing my best 🙂

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